sebuah evaluasi

beberapa waktu belakangan rasanya semua hal sedang berantakan, bercecer tidak dalam posisi.

sebagian karena keadaan di tengah pandemi, sebagian lagi karena "dipaksa" untuk lebih mengenal diri sendiri.

aneh rasanya menyadari bahwa diri sendiri ternyata malah orang paling asing, rumah paling tidak berpenghuni.

mungkin memang kadang kita, or at least me, harus dihadapkan pada situasi genting dulu supaya sadar bahwa semua hal berotasi, dimana pada akhirnya cuma bisa pulang ke diri sendiri.

banyak emosi asing yang belum dikenali, but damn all i did cuma lari menghindari, disusul puluhan episode menghukum diri.

tersiksa dengan pikiran-tindakan yang jadi racun buat pribadi.

menuntut ini-itu untuk kembali ternyata cuma buang energi.

yang harus berusaha berselaras dengan kondisi hanya satu orang di dalam cermin;

ya kamu, sis.

jadi, teruntuk aku,

mari berkenalan lagi, ternyata masih banyak yang perlu dibenahi.

berhenti kecewa ketika orang-orang bersikap di luar ekspektasi, toh siapalah kamu yang sering juga mengecewakan mimpi sendiri.

jangan lagi berusaha untuk selalu disukai demi menjaga semua orang tidak pergi, learn that people always come and leave.

belajar untuk tidak lagi menolak segala bentuk emosi yang timbul ketika berhadapan dengan situasi yang bahkan kamu tidak pegang kemudi, kuasai diri.

semoga pada akhirnya nanti kamu bisa mengerti..

kecup,

Sis.

are you home?

i was actually just passing by,

but in front of your house now i find myself standing

my feet led the way just like a habit
staring at the door that we painted red last summer and my heart misses a beat
the color started to fade, the wood began to peel
as if to say that it's been so long and i'm not supposed to be here

things rushing thru my mind,
"would you expect me when you hear the bell's ringing?"
"if you knew i was here, would you open the door and let me in?"

or "is there someone else that you are waiting?"

but i had enough for just questioning

cause if i could really ask there'll be just one thing,

"is there a chance you'd stop me from leaving?"

a thought

so, tell me,

is it an act of bravery,

or just a form of egoism?

to strive for what we believe is bliss,

but is seen as a sin by society

oh living in a world full of hypocrisy,

is there still any possibility

to seek clarity?

dear, me

remember when things were so easy?

you were around 5 when you got the wound at your temple from slipping off the bike

funny that you swore it was the most painful thing you've ever had, though only momma's kiss as magical remedy that you need after that

at 7 you found your 'best friend forever', simply because they shared their favorite snack and lent you that one rare princess book you always wanted to have

you both were inseparable until at 12 your best friend sulked after a little fight, it lasted for days and you too refused to budge

but when you found out they were about to leave you overseas, you chose to forget every piques,

made a friendship brooch just to keep them in touch, 'bff' written, as if it will happen

time passed by, at 15 you were unrestrained, your freshman year and you had no fear,

you lived your best life and felt most alive, you got no time to worry, only days to merry

and when you were 17, somebody told you they love you, somehow you believed them

nobody prevented you from falling, and you couldn't avoid a heartbreak

but that’s okay,

that's okay if it made the word ‘love’ the least thing you believe in your 20s

because you will never know what kind of aches you’ll face at 30

maybe it’s between the 3am conversation, or anything that brings you to meditation

learn to understand that growing up is a swing of wondering, and there’s no stopping

and for whatever life may bring,

i hope you hold on, darling