sebuah evaluasi

beberapa waktu belakangan rasanya semua hal sedang berantakan, bercecer tidak dalam posisi.

sebagian karena keadaan di tengah pandemi, sebagian lagi karena "dipaksa" untuk lebih mengenal diri sendiri.

aneh rasanya menyadari bahwa diri sendiri ternyata malah orang paling asing, rumah paling tidak berpenghuni.

mungkin memang kadang kita, or at least me, harus dihadapkan pada situasi genting dulu supaya sadar bahwa semua hal berotasi, dimana pada akhirnya cuma bisa pulang ke diri sendiri.

banyak emosi asing yang belum dikenali, but damn all i did cuma lari menghindari, disusul puluhan episode menghukum diri.

tersiksa dengan pikiran-tindakan yang jadi racun buat pribadi.

menuntut ini-itu untuk kembali ternyata cuma buang energi.

yang harus berusaha berselaras dengan kondisi hanya satu orang di dalam cermin;

ya kamu, sis.

jadi, teruntuk aku,

mari berkenalan lagi, ternyata masih banyak yang perlu dibenahi.

berhenti kecewa ketika orang-orang bersikap di luar ekspektasi, toh siapalah kamu yang sering juga mengecewakan mimpi sendiri.

jangan lagi berusaha untuk selalu disukai demi menjaga semua orang tidak pergi, learn that people always come and leave.

belajar untuk tidak lagi menolak segala bentuk emosi yang timbul ketika berhadapan dengan situasi yang bahkan kamu tidak pegang kemudi, kuasai diri.

semoga pada akhirnya nanti kamu bisa mengerti..

kecup,

Sis.

are you home?

i was actually just passing by,

but in front of your house now i find myself standing

my feet led the way just like a habit
staring at the door that we painted red last summer and my heart misses a beat
the color started to fade, the wood began to peel
as if to say that it's been so long and i'm not supposed to be here

things rushing thru my mind,
"would you expect me when you hear the bell's ringing?"
"if you knew i was here, would you open the door and let me in?"

or "is there someone else that you are waiting?"

but i had enough for just questioning

cause if i could really ask there'll be just one thing,

"is there a chance you'd stop me from leaving?"

a thought

so, tell me,

is it an act of bravery,

or just a form of egoism?

to strive for what we believe is bliss,

but is seen as a sin by society

oh living in a world full of hypocrisy,

is there still any possibility

to seek clarity?

dear, me

remember when things were so easy?

you were around 5 when you got the wound at your temple from slipping off the bike

funny that you swore it was the most painful thing you've ever had, though only momma's kiss as magical remedy that you need after that

at 7 you found your 'best friend forever', simply because they shared their favorite snack and lent you that one rare princess book you always wanted to have

you both were inseparable until at 12 your best friend sulked after a little fight, it lasted for days and you too refused to budge

but when you found out they were about to leave you overseas, you chose to forget every piques,

made a friendship brooch just to keep them in touch, 'bff' written, as if it will happen

time passed by, at 15 you were unrestrained, your freshman year and you had no fear,

you lived your best life and felt most alive, you got no time to worry, only days to merry

and when you were 17, somebody told you they love you, somehow you believed them

nobody prevented you from falling, and you couldn't avoid a heartbreak

but that’s okay,

that's okay if it made the word ‘love’ the least thing you believe in your 20s

because you will never know what kind of aches you’ll face at 30

maybe it’s between the 3am conversation, or anything that brings you to meditation

learn to understand that growing up is a swing of wondering, and there’s no stopping

and for whatever life may bring,

i hope you hold on, darling

#stayathome made me do it

after convincing myself for these past 2 years, here i am writing in 2020.
i almost wanna do it a couple of times, i swear. but i find it sooo strange, doing blog at 22, since all i ever wrote here was about my youth days.

but just, let me try.

well, as we all know,

there's coronavirus, spreading all around the world, made us all staying at home.
i mean, we-who obey the rules- are.
it's been 3 months already i've stayed inside.
kinda depressing for the first few weeks.
but now i actually started to find myself comfortable hahaha it's kinda scary.
at least, staying at home pushed me to do my blog again, right?
there are always good things in bad times, they said.

i miss eating junk foods, i miss vacation, i miss going out.
and i miss my friends!!!!
geez, i wanna hug them so bad.
i got a long list of people i wanna squeeze after corona days, but i really am waiting for the day to reunite with my little circle that we called ourselves Duta Wacana.
we meet almost every day and it's so hard not to see them in months.
we did our quarantines together earlier before these corona things getting worse at Coco-Lawa-Fakhri's kontrakan, only for days sih, but quarantines with them felt so fun even we were just doing nothing.
speaking of which, katanya mereka udah ngga akan ngelanjutin kontrakan dan aku sedih banget. mungkin aku doang sih because that means no more nonton film malem-malem, no more "it's ceret time", tidak lagi punya basecamp. sad.

hhhh anyway,
besides coming back to the blog, staying at home for months made me learn some things.

here's the list.

1. i learned that spending too much time on the phone is actually soooo boring??
my phone's screen average time decreased from week to week, it's quite impressive.
i barely check my phone, not replying to any texts quickly, but still wonder why i haven't found my lover yet hahahaha. silly me turn from "i don't need a boyfriend" to "where can i find my soulmate??". this situation kinda change people, isn't it?
maybe because having a lot of free times got me easily overthink, it strikes again and again hahahahaha i know i cringe at myself too!!!

2. i overcame one of my biggest fears from this work-from-home situation: i had my virtual proposal test done.
even tho i failed, and i need to do a re-test. and it scares me even more.

a friend told me that i should take the previous one as a warm up but i don't find it helping at all for now. i'm so nervous. anybody please pray for me i don’t think i’m ready.

3. i found out some things deeper about myself. and i tried to make peace with the demon in me.

it's still in progress but at least there's progress, right?

ummm, what else?
oh, 4. i cooked a lot!! well, i actually am not that bad. at least that’s what my mom thinks. and 
5. i learned to play ukulele, but still, i suck at it.


i honestly have no idea what else to write,
so i think that's all for now?

phew, i can't believe i can finish this one. been so long and i really found this so hard hahaha.

but i'm glad i did.
i actually am pretty happy to do this again. hoping for more! *finger crossed*

let's pray for this pandemic to end soon. i hope everybody's safe. please just stay at home. wash your hand properly. stay clean. stay healthy. wear mask. bring and use hand sanitizer.
we can get through this!!!
my prayer goes to every medical personnel, the front guards, workers that still need to leave, small traders.
and to everybody who lost their loved ones in this pandemic.

stay safe peeps!

kecup,
Sis.

just, if

if there was ever an option, i'd choose to have more sleepovers rather than go traveling places
not because i learned how Vancouver's weather was apparently too cold for me not to long for your missing embrace
nor because i got aches running out of breath, trotting around chase after your disappearing shades

but merely because it was more fun having my fingers stroking your hair whilst catching your eyes on mine solemnly admiring
merely because 3am Southampton's warmth failed to comfort and your arms wrap me around still did twice better
or partly because of your love for clementine, it's overflowing
partly it's the fact that i blossomed as beautiful as a daisy amongst the lawn because your excessive affection dew over me
or partly because i was under your spell being so vulnerable trapped like a prey, voluntarily

but i wouldn't mind sipping another more of your sweet pledges i might die sinking sugarcoated
and if there was ever an option, i wouldn't mind

one day..

one day my head will get rid of any thoughts of you,
the espresso smell lingers on my bedsheet, which i still recognize as your signature perfume, one day will be just the smell i remember as another cup i spilled on.
our pictures, that each captured your smile with the whole universe held in it, they may still hanging on my bedroom wall. but i promise one day they'll be gone, the wall will be just as empty as my eyes run out of tears.
every memory i still romanticize, every thought about you and i are meant to hinge, are going to fade.

any pain and regrets are soon will be relieved,
and i will set myself free from all the words you left unsaid.